I am 25, soon to be 26. and that at the same time feels completely right, and completely
not right at all. After living with dan for a bit and then living back with hazel for
a year of lockdown - I now after flat musical chairs, live in my flat that i own with martin
and greta. And they're both just so wonderful. Greta is small, soft, talented and fierce,
but in a magnificent way. "how can we make this a nice process for you?" Martin is a
gentle giant who can WHIP out a whistle tone like it's nothing. "(sings) greee -EEEEE-"
(laughter) And will march around the flat at 11pm to make sure he gets his 10,000 steps
in. "woo I did it!" (cheering" There is music and laughter in every day and
sometimes we dress up in drag and sometimes we dress up in drag or decide to sand a TV
cabinet at 10 at night. I love the chaos - it matches me perfectly. And I miss my other
friends and i freak out that my friend family is shifting as it tends to do every 5 years
or so. Um. But I have to keep reminding myself that's mostly the pandemic. They're all still
there. I still love them. They all still love me. I still live with constant derealisation
I am always spaced out and I think about it every day. It's funny when people ask me if
I have any tips. Or how it's gotten better. It hasn't - I've just sort of accepted that
this is where I'm at. I like when people bring it up because it's nice to know that they're
aware that I feel this way. And that they're thinking of the thin I'm always thinking about.
It's very validating. Um. Yeah I still deal with depression. Um I do deal with depressive
episodes every now and again. Whether that's a day or a string of days or a month or. I
don't know. Even just a moment or an afternoon. And then it's released by something. I dunno
I have to figure that out. I think this is what they mean when they say like - it becomes
your friend and you become adjusted to living with it - i think this might just be how it
is now. And that's fine. You know. I'd say I'm friends with my depression at this point.
Do I believe that? I don't know. I have therapy every month or so and in those i am processing
complex trauma. Um yeah. A variety of things. I'm probably the villain in like ten peoples
stories. Um but heres like one or two that are very right. I am completely the villain
and I still think about that a lot. I feel very lonely. Um. I'm not lonely. I have friends
around me. Probably like an internal loneliness i think. And a bodily loneliness. As a woman
I worry that if I am not tiny and sexy and flexible and f*ckable then I am nothing. It's
a terrible thing to admit. Especially when I can't express how much i don't think that
about other people. People are worth everything - so much more than any of that! It's so weird
that i only apply that to myself. As a 25 year old I barely exercise - i dunno we have
been waking up early and doing yoga and going for a walk but - I definitely don't like - work
out. Dunno what that was. I would love to reconnect with my 7 year old self and be able
to do the monkey bars again but I'm a lot heavier and don't have much upper body strength
(I did it!) I've recently had a lot of old footage found and it makes me feel a variety
of things. Sometimes it makes me feel really close to my inner child and that's been really.
helpful in looking after myself in depressive episodes because it makes me look after my
basic needs. I talk to her. I'm like - what can i get you? Are you hungry? let's get you
fed? are you cold? i'm sorry i didn't dress you up enough to keep you warm. what would
you like to do. yeah that's been nice. but also - it's kind of like f*ked me up in seeing
before the line in my life. A fake truth of a family that shattered. Yeah dunno. it's
just really confusing. And interesting but painful and I don't really know why - I mean
I do know why. I'm working on it in therapy! I recently connected with my abusive ex's
ex. Yes! The one I was talking about in angry. She reached out to me. And it has been...
so healing! So great! it's so wild! I am just so lucky that i get to have someone to work
through that trauma with! Kind of bittersweet cause now I'm not alone in all of that pain
but obviously I hate to think that for every memory and trigger that i have she can match
it. and i'm annoyed that it took someone else to repeat back what happened to me for me
to use the appropriate labels. I felt like a whiney woman until I heard it from someone
else's mouth. And I'm like. You can use those words. We can use those words. I at the same
time wanna be the most open and honest book that i can be in this world of show but also
keep my private life private because christ it is way too difficult and complex to share
and really really damaging and horrible when thousands and thousands of people have opinions
on raw painful topics in your life. So er - it's a good thing that i'm making this video
isn't it? !! I probably struggle with knowing what to do because i grew up with no boundaries
when i was younger and i'm learning them now. I think i believe in the capacity for empathy
in everyone i'm determined to coax it out but i don't know if i have the strength to
try by putting me at the forefront. It took me a while to feel valid as an artist because
I was a young girl with a ukulele playing on the internet. And now i think that that
stereotype is sexist. The ukulele is a very accessible instrument. I am so proud that
i learned how to strum on that damn lil thing. Four strings, four fingers - i wrote music
and uploaded it for years on youtube and that allowed me to grow and get better really - build
on my sounds learn from other people learn from myself. i'm so grateful to youtube and
i love it when people bring up youtube in interviews and say that it was a home for
me and it was! here i am direct communication what i dont like is when people call me a
youtuber because it puts me in a box i dont think i belong in. Or maybe i'm just being
prissy. prissy. okay i think that is all for this week - if you dont know i'm going to
upload. a video every Thursday up until the release of my album which was pushed back
until the 7th May so - yeah! there'll be seven more of these videos. Well not these videos.
but this was eight. cool! thanks! bye! "week by week, moment by moment. Time will pass."
"I was very thirsty after! Um, because I've been climbing, and I'm like ehhh I'm thirsty!